I haven’t posted since October, due in part to being busy, but also because things have not be that great and I don’t want to always complain. So I guess I will give you guys a little life update…
October was hard. My fall break was spent in the hospital watching Timothy fight for his life and be almost overcome with immense pain. It was rough week. He had lots of unforeseen complications and received his PICC line. We came home from the hospital not entirely prepared for this new road we have begun to travel.
Fast forward to mid-November, we were fighting for approval for the new drugs that the PICC line was placed to administer. He’d received not PICC line care instructions and we were left adrift waiting on insurance…yet again! By the grace of God the meds were finally approved and he escaped any type of PICC line issues, i.e. being clogged or infected from almost on month of disuse.
The meds have not been the lifesaver we were promised. The “cure” has become worse than the illness in a lot of ways. Timothy has had nothing but nausea and vomiting for almost 2 months. They keep telling us that “it’s normal and it will pass”, but it isn’t passing.
I am on Christmas break now and it’s been more of the same. Illness, vomiting, staying home, cancelled plans…the list goes on.
He’s discouraged. And I am discouraged.
I have found myself pulling away from people more and more because no one seems to really understand the stress and strain of watching someone you love vomit and retch for hours. I feel so helpless. I can’t fix this…no matter how hard it try.
I have two friends who faithfully check in on me. They are my lifelines. And they don’t even realize it. Without their relentless love for me, I don’t know what I would do.
I find myself becoming bitter at times. And I find myself having to pray for patience and calmness more and more frequently. I find myself struggling with being a 46 year old woman who’s whole life has turned upside down. I find myself lamenting what could have been. I feel awful for these thoughts. I mean I am not the one dying. I am not the one who has lost 75 lbs from not being able to eat. So why am I so angry and bitter!? I feel selfish all the time. I feel discouraged. I feel like I am a bad person for feeling all these feelings. So I just pull back and isolate more and more each day. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s all I can do right now.
I found an online support group and it has become such a help. It’s comforting to know I am not alone in all this craziness that is caregiving and dealing with anticipatory grief.
I hate seeing my husband cry and beg to die. I feel so much sadness seeing his body break downs further and further. I don’t have a road map for this journey. I have faith in Christ. I have prayer. But sometimes I just want to scream and curl into the fetal position and cry. But I know that won’t help.
Well, this life update took a turn to the somber, didn’t it?
But that’s what this journey has been. We started out on one path and then it turned into Spaghetti Junction and we are now just holding on for dear life and praying to God that we make it to the end alive.